Monday, July 8, 2013
Six Reasons Why Being in A Relationship Isn't as Great as You Think
When I was little, I used to watch reruns of The Dick Van Dyke Show all the time. I remember watching it and seeing Mary Tyler Moore and old Dick go to bed in separate beds every night and I thought to myself: "This is awesome. I will never have to share a bed with anyone ever." Turns out, like is actually not like a 1960's sitcom and when your in a relationship, you're not only expected to share a bed with the one you love, but cuddle as well. I don't like cuddling. Mainly because I am a horrible bitch, but also because I like a Queen sized bed to myself so that I can sprawl out. Apparently, that shit doesn't fly when you're sharing it with someone else.
I never mentally matured past five years old when I comes to sharing. I don't like sharing my space, money and I absolutely refuse to share food but when you are in a relationship, these things are expected of you. Sharing and giving a shit is so hard. Why does everyone expect so much of me all the time?
3. The Exes
Luckily for my boyfriend, my exes stay far far away, however the same can't be said about his. A few months back his little midget of an ex-boyfriend contacted him to tell him that he thought that I was not good enough for him. A. this kid has never met me. b. this kid ran away to Colorado (that's three time zones away, in case you were wondering) for five weeks while he was still dating my boyfriend, broke up with him and get this - didn't even bother to tell him. And I'm an asshole. Go fuck yourself. When you date someone new, you also have to take their past relationships into consideration. And the stupid little know-it-all midgets they once called boyfriends can very easily come back to try and bite you on the ass. Unless you're me and can lay the smack down on them.
Eventually, you will need to introduce your new boyfriend to your family which causes all sorts of problems if you're me. I know the ins and outs of my family eccentricities very well by now but bringing a stranger into the mix requires a three day retreat explaining their craziness that includes a power point presentation of my family's lineage and a chart explaining who takes what medication and why. They're a mess, and even though I'm embarrassed by the 99% of the time - I still want to make sure any new beau loves them as much as I do. And if they don't - they die.
Pretending to like your new boyfriends friends is exhausting. I'm thirty years old and don't have time to make new friends because I barely like the ones I have now. But if someone doesn't like them, I take personal offense to it. Just because I make fun of them, doesn't mean you can and if a new beau doesn't like your old friends, it could spell disaster.
6. You Can Only Sleep With One Person
Which is totally fine unless you're a borderline slut like me. To combat that, my boyfriend and I made a pact. If Macklemore ever wants to sleep with him - he gets a free pass. If Channing Tatum, Ryan Gosling, the new trainer from Barry's Boot Camp, any member of the California Angels, any member of Baltimore Orioles, Macklemore, the new doctor on All My Children or Steven Winwood want to sleep with me - I get a free pass. Relationships are all about negotiation.
So there you have it. Maybe being in a relationship wasn't everything you thought it was going to be but if you've found that special someone, then none of the above matters at all. Besides, it's better than the alternative - growing old alone and living with a bunch of cats who eventually turn on you and claw your eyes you. Food or thought.
Posted by Mark Brennan Rosenberg at 10:13 AM