Picture this. I'm sweating my balls off at the gym rocking out to the Britney Spears station on Pandora in my iPhone. I'm lifting weights and being taken away on a musical journey that includes all of my favorites: Britney, Madonna, Beyonce, et all. when suddenly I heard a song that I was not familiar with. I loved it. I was bopping around the gym like the moron that we all know I am. I loved this new song. I felt the lyrics spoke to me and the melody was catchy as hell. I needed to know who sang this amazing song - was Britney back with a new hit that I was uninformed about? I pulled out my iPhone and checked the artist who was singing the new song I had fallen in instant love with. When I saw who the artist was, I cursed her name.
"Well played," I said under my breath, "well, mother fucking played Taylor Swift."
I looked in the mirror, disgusted at myself.
"You little bitch," I said as I looked at myself in the mirror. "You little bitch. You totally just rocked out to a Taylor Swift song. Look at yourself. You should be ashamed."
A single tear fell from my eye. I never thought this day would come. For years, I had prided myself on my amazing taste in music. Britney, Barbara, T.I., I only listen to the best music has to offer. Granted, people have compared me to Taylor Swift for years: we're both gorgeous dumb blond sluts who write songs (or stories) about the men who perpetually betray us. Granted, Taylor dates hot celebrities and I date fat dumb actors who sing at dinner theaters in the Ozarks, we both have the same formula for how we come up with material and America loves us for it. She even gets a shout-out in my upcoming book Eating My Feelings because the similarities between the two of us are unbounded (haven't pre-ordered yet? CLICK HERE NOW!). But listen to her music? Never! That was never in the game plan. And now, I felt I had betrayed myself by rocking out to "I Knew You Were Trouble"; quite possibly one of the best pop songs I had heard in years.
OMG! I can't even believe I even just said that. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!?
Having a moral dilemma in the middle of the gym at high noon, is not uncommon for me but I soon found myself sitting on a bench in the gym feeling dirty.
I looked in the mirror again, "You need to wash your ears out!" I said to myself, "You love Taylor Swift you little fucker! What happened to you?"
I did a quick Google search of Taylor Swift (because Lord knows the dumb bitch isn't on the cover of every magazine every month) to see if I was, in fact, the only person who had fallen under her spell. Turns out, I wasn't. Upon further inspection, I figured out that this little bitch has made millions squawk singing about her break-ups and she's only twenty-two.
"You poor thing," I said sarcastically, "you're a millionaire and all you do is bitch and complain about how no one loves you." I stood up and began yelling directly at my phone, "EVERYONE LOVES YOU! YOU'RE TAYLOR SWIFT!" People at the gym began looking at me awkwardly and I sat back down.
Suddenly I realized that I am Taylor Swift. Like, in reality because I am not sure she's actually a real person. All I do is bitch and complain about literally everything and make a living off of doing so. Taylor and I are like kindred spirits. I then downloaded every song she's ever sang and decided that instead of denying her, I would embrace her because we really are the same person. Touche indeed Taylor, touche indeed.
You win this round Taylor Swift. I can't help but love your awful music and your awful soul and because I am a horrible bitch as well, I embrace you, I love you and hope that no relationship in your future works out so that like me, you can continue to produce mediocre material for teenage girls and gay men.