Lies Gay Guys Have Told Me

1. “I’m just not interested in a relationship right now”

My response: “So why did you go on four dates with me and why am I pretty certain that you are dating 4-6 other people right now. Facebook never lies.”

2. “I’m just on Grindr looking for friends”

My response: “Then why are you only showing a picture of your torso? Are you headless? Are you looking for other headless friends? Are you trying to start a headless kickball team?”

3. “I’m not really a slut”

My response: “Then why did we meet on Manhunt? And why do you have a sling in your closet?”

4. “I’m clean. I just got tested for everything last month.”

My response: “That ‘cold sore’ on your mouth says otherwise.”

5. “I’ll leave my wife for you and everything will be OK. I promise.”

My response: “Oh, OK. That’s normal.” SEE: “Blackouts and Breakdowns”

6. “I don’t party that much.”

My response: “Then does every picture of you on Facebook show you passed out in a bar? Facebook never lies.”

7. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to date you anymore, but I think we’d be better off as friends.”

My response: “Hello? That was two months ago. Where have you gone? Were you abducted by aliens?”

8. “Oh, I work for my ex-boyfriend. I’m his assistant.”

My response: “Blowing someone for cigarette money does not an assistant make. You’re a glorified prostitute.”

9. “I was molested as a teenager at summer camp.”

My response: “If by summer camp, you mean the bath house and if by teenager you mean last week, this means you’re a whore...and a liar”