Before this whole book tour fiasco started, I had planned to move to Los Angeles as of December 1 of last year. My roommate was done living in New York, and quite frankly, so was I. Having lived in the Big Apple for over twelve years, I thought it was time for a change of pace and Los Angeles, seemed to be the place to go. However, a once in a lifetime opportunity presented itself and I had to take a risk and go on book tour. Lucky for me, our forth stop on the rainbow tour was the City of Angels. Upon getting off the plane from San Francisco and taking off all of my clothes, I was reminded in a mere twelve seconds why I love this town in the first place.
1. Everyone is a star. So you made a cameo on a short-lived reality TV series? Or better yet, you’re a hairdresser to the stars. Perhaps you’re a go-go dancer who parades around West Hollywood every weeknight dressed in nothing but a g-string and a dream. Welcome to L.A. because here – you’re a star. I quite honestly could not believe that literally everyone has an absurd story to tell and because of that, everyone here is a celebrity. When I arrived in L.A., the man who arranged our events here, schlepped me around town as if I had just starred in the new Oliver Stone vehicle. Everywhere we went he asked people: “Don’t you know Mark? He’s a writer. He’s fabulous! He’s everything!” and, like clockwork, everyone responded: “Of course, we do! We love him.” What people don’t know here, won’t hurt them and everyone hates to be left out what they think someone will be the next best thing. Not only that, I haven’t had to pay for a Goddamn thing since we’ve been here. I was outfitted for my book reading on Thursday night and got to keep the clothes and when I went to lay out with Boa on the roof of his hotel yesterday, he told the hotel manager that I was on book tour and the manager insisted that everything we spent on food and drinks while on the roof be complimentary. Meanwhile, I wasn’t even staying at the hotel, I was staying in my lesbian sister’s girlfriend’s one bedroom apartment on an air mattress. God I love it here.
2. Everyone is gorgeous and everyone is a moron. If you ever want to feel bad about yourself, visit a gym in West Hollywood, California. Everyone is gorgeous. And why wouldn’t they be? Los Angeles, is, after all, the entertainment capital of the world so everyone needs to make sure that bodies be looking right. It doesn’t end there. There’s the Botox, the teeth whitening and the tanning (which even I find ridiculous and you know I love to tan. There are no less than ten tanning salons on Santa Monica Boulevard alone and it’s perpetually sunny and seventy degrees outside). Everyone always looks amazing, however everyone, for the most part is dumber than a box of hair. Trying to have conversations with people is tedious because everyone spends so much time trying to look good that they’ve forgotten to pick up a book to learn anything. This benefits myself for several reasons. 1. I was pretty much able to manipulate every situation I was in to profit myself. 2. No one was listening to a fucking thing I was saying so I was able to basically make fun of people directly to their faces without them ever knowing it and 3. If I did move here, I would probably be running this town by month’s end. No one actually works here so my drive paired with the fact that everyone here is so unbelievably lazy would allow me to shoot straight to the top. My favorite stupid person moment was when a friend introduced me to one of his friends by saying: “This is Greg. He has a disease. He gets dumber every year.” What a bunch of hot bitches.
3. The nightlife is amazing. Sorry New York, but you’ve shot yourself in the foot with this one. I know I am dating myself, but when I moved to New York City, eleven years ago, there was no better place in the world to go out and party. There was an endless amount of clubs, parties everyday and people were generally more fun. I love seeing the kids these days that move to New York with their hair four feet in the air and a giant stick up their ass, sipping gin and tonic’s in the corner of the Ritz, thinking they’ve made it to the Motherland. Listen up children: when I was your age, I was face down in a toilet in a club that was hallowed out church and when I finally rallied, I was doing blow with two to four drag queens until ten the next morning. That was fun. Industry is retarded. In Los Angeles, it’s a party every day of the week. It’s what New York USED to be and what it should be again. While walking down Santa Monica Boulevard at eight in the evening, there are people crowding the no less than twelve clubs within a three-block radius. The clubs are crowded with good-looking people, go-go boys, strippers and all of the debauchery you could ever think of. And you’ll never have to buy a Rihanna album ever again. Just walk down the street and you’ll hear her whole catalog in a matter of three minutes. I am not a huge fan of go-go boys, because I am not a dirty old man (yet) but these kids fucking work it. I can’t remember the last time I even saw a go-go boy in New York (aside from going to Splash – yuck) but I have to say they do certainly bring a little something extra to the party. And get this: you don’t have to wear everything you own in order to make it to the bars. Throw on a t-shirt and jeans and you’re in! It’s always seventy and sunny in Los Angeles. New York: you’ve become too squeaky clean. I appease you: please bring back to hookers and drug dealers and make yourself fun again. Bring that sleaze back! New York isn’t boring to me because I’ve stopped drinking – I have never taken a sip of booze while in L.A. and it’s always been a blast.
4. People are friendly. This is also because they are stupid and because of the endless amounts of sunlight (which raises your Vitamin D levels and makes you a happier person), but they’re friendly nonetheless. One thing New York has going for it is its realness. You always know where you stand with pretty much everyone in your life there. In Los Angeles, everyone is so self-conscious and always thinking the person they are speaking with can help them get ahead that they aim to please. Granted, I made coffee plans with nearly twenty people this week and they all flaked out because literally everyone is a flake here, I didn’t mind. The exchanges I had with people were effortless, easy and enjoyable. Marijuana is also legal here, so that may have something to do with it as well. I love New York, but when I get my coffee in the morning, I prefer having it served to me with a smile and not a dirty look.
5. Everyone in L.A. is full of shit. And I mean everyone including myself while I was here. It’s unbelievable to me the things that come hurling out of people’s mouths. “OMG, I had lunch with Lindsay Lohan the other day.” No you didn’t. “I heard that Kyle from the ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ had dinner here the other day and got into a fist fight with Lisa.” No she didn’t. “I think I just saw Michael Jackson’s ghost walking down Sunset with Blanket.” Shut the fuck up. Little do the residents of Los Angeles know that no one is more full of shit than yours truly, hence why I love it here so much. People will literally say anything to get you to pay attention to them and no one appreciates that more than the man who wrote the book on it!
You all know I am a New Yorker through and through (I will be back and living on 57th St. before you know it), but I will be God damned if I don’t love me some L.A. Our five days here have been amazingly fun and our book events were out of control with full houses and people sitting on the floor because we had run out of chairs – you all made me feel like a superstar and I will love you forever for it. If anyone had told me that going on book tour was going to be this much fun, I would have called them a fucking liar. This is of course before I go to Arkansas, Alabama and Tennessee, but it’s been a pretty wild ride nonetheless. Next stop: my favorite city in the country: San Diego.
0 comments:
Post a Comment