Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Grindr: For Dummies
You too can run a whorehouse right from your very own IPhone. Here’s how!
So many people (i.e. girls and straight men) ask me about Grindr and how to use it. Grindr is an application for IPhones that allows you to find men near you to either fuck, date or break up a relationship. I have decided to give a step-by-step tutorial on how to set up a profile, what to look for and the dos and don’ts of Grindr. Think of this blog as if you were reading Quickbooks: for Dummies, except a lot filthier.
Step 1: Create a profile.
First select your age, height, weight and ethnicity. Try your best to lie as little as possible here. For example: if you’re an Asian, don’t list yourself as white. Chances are, you’re going to get found out and send your potential date headed for the hills.
Next, enter your relationship status. Options for this include: single (as far as I am concerned, that should be the only option), partnered (if this is your relationship status, you’re clearly not in a very healthy relationship), or open relationship (I still don’t know what that means).
Then you will be asked to say a little something about yourself and what interests you. If you like interracial gang bangs, go ahead and say as much. If you’re into sex in public, let the world know! If you enjoy dressing up in women’s underwear and getting spanked, let it all hang out.
The fourth step asks you to let potential Grindr buddies know what it is you’re looking for. Options include: chat (i.e. wasting time), dates, friends (who the hell wants to make friends on Grindr?), networking (again, not sure what’s being networked on a sex site. Sex slavery rings?) and finally, for all of those lonely hearts out there: relationship. Good luck with that. Coincidentally enough, sex is not an option.
Finally, you are asked to put a picture on your Grindr profile. Now, if you want the world to see your enormous penis or thick ass, think again. Grindr is a classy application for your IPhone and pictures such as that are not allowed. You cannot show your underwear either. Good thing because if you’re anything like myself, there are probably holes galore in them anyway.
Step 2: Find A Buddy
Grindr uses GPS navigation with a plus or minus accuracy rate of 1640 feet. Meaning, when you turn Grindr on for the first time, the person geographically closest to you will appear first and so on.
Here are some pointers when finding a buddy on Grindr.
• If they are wearing a hat or glasses in their profile picture, be sure to follow up by asking if they have any other pictures. People who wear hats are hiding something nines times out of ten. They’re hiding things like the fact that they are balding or hiding secrets under their hat.
• If they are listed as in a relationship, proceed with caution. These are the people who are bored at work and just want to chat (i.e. waste your fucking time). Quite frankly, these people should be banned from Grindr.
• Get as much information from potential buddies as possible. Gay men are notorious liars so make sure they are single, or if they aren’t make sure their boyfriend is out of town (preferably on the opposite coast or another continent but use your best judgment here).
• Make sure they have a face and that face is one you either want to kiss or watch bob up and down in your crotch. Because, even though you cannot put a cock shot up on Grindr, you can put a torso up and while you may have a body be right, no one likes a face being wrong.
Step 3: Lock Down a Meeting
When you’re talking to a potential Grindr date and you’ve decided that you are going to meet up, there are several things that you can do to make sure that you don’t end up with a crazy.
• Speak on the phone. If he speaks with the inflection of a serial killer, you may want to pass, even if he has abs of steel.
• If he talks incessantly about his ex, you may want to pass (trust me on this one).
• If he is an out of work actor, hang up the phone immediately. For whatever reason, out of work actors all have IPhones and apparently no jobs because they are on Grindr all day. If you were good at what you did, you’d have a job and wouldn’t be bothering me.
• If they talk about owning a Blackberry or that they found you on their IPod, they’re probably poor and you don’t want to deal with them anyway. Now Grindr is available on Blackberry’s and Andriod’s so that poor people can play too which is unacceptable as far as I am concerned.
Step 4: Meet Up
I always find it’s best to meet up with potential Grindr dates in public, but if you’re just going to have sex, make sure it’s at his place. Lord knows if your roommate walks in and questions where you met your latest trick, coming up with an elaborate web of lies is more difficult when your underwear is down around your ankles. Godspeed boys, and remember: always use protection (unless he’s really cute because you can never get an STD from someone who is good looking, right?).
Now that we’ve figured out how to use Grindr together, let’s quickly recap the losers I’ve met on Grindr:
• the 23 year old.
• the Hasdic Jew who’s parents sent him to a camp every weekend so several middle aged men could “beat the gay out of him”.
• The Super Jew who didn’t call me back for six months.
• Boring. Remember how Boring he was?
• The choreographer who had nothing to say for himself.
• The kid who’s name I forgot who talked at me for two hours and didn’t ask me one question about myself.
• Double life Clint, with the kids, the boyfriend and the apartment.
• The 42 year old with the 23 year-old daughter.
• The man who told me in great detail what he wanted to do to me sexually then ended up taking me bowling. What a waste of time that was.
• The guy who I made out with in a bathroom in DC while I was hammered four years ago, who took me out again last summer and was subsequently never heard from again.
• The fashion designer who went to China…and never came back.
Now that you too have mastered the art of Grindring, a world of unavailable losers awaits. Good luck and let me know how that works out for you!
Posted by Mark Brennan Rosenberg at 9:04 AM