How to Date A Fucking Loser

Over the last few years, I have managed to find the most un-dateable men in the tri-state area, parts of D.C., Maryland and even Iraq. Many have called me a “tart tongued Dear Abby” while others have simply called me a fucking moron. I have decided to compile a list of eight easy steps to follow so that you too can find a fucking loser to date, fuck or even fall in love with. What’s the difference between your average run-of-the-mill loser and a fucking loser you ask? A fucking loser is the most undesirable, wretched man you’ll ever want to meet. Someone you wouldn’t want to introduce to your friends – let alone family. Basically, a fucking loser embodies the qualities I have found with every single man I’ve ever dated. Feel free to follow one, some or even all of these steps so that you too can find the worst possible mate in the world. Ladies, follow the asterisks at the end of each step for a modified version for your girls.

1. Meet Someone At A Piano Bar
- Find a handsome man, yet altogether fucking loser, while singing show-tunes and knocking back beers.
- Regale him with useless facts of the community theatre shows you participated in while in high school.
- Pray that he asks you back to his place. Do not go back to his place UNLESS he lives in a college dorm. The potential to get a common college STD (i.e. scabies, crabs, etc.) increases if he lives in a dorm room. And you want one!
- Once he has given you said STD vow never to speak to him again, unless he invites you to see a Broadway show. (preferably something Bernadette Peters is starring in, but this is not a must)
*** LADIES: You shouldn’t be hanging out in piano bars. If you are, however and you do follow these steps, you’ve most likely just gotten an STD from a gay guy. So technically, you’re still alone at this point and right on track to meet your next loser.

2. Steal Your Best Friends Boyfriend
- This is a two-parter because not only do you get a new loser boyfriend out of the situation, you’ve also now lost a best friend, making all three of you miserable in the process.
- Make sure your new beau is still in love with your former best friend, thus causing a “Dynasty” style love triangle. (If one of the three of you is wearing shoulder pads while all of this transpires, it adds to the effect of the situation, but again, is not a must)
- Move in with your ex-best friend’s ex-boyfriend (mutual bank accounts and planned trips for the future increase dramatic effect but again are not necessary)
- Make sure your ex-best friend lingers in the picture so that when you and your new boyfriend inevitably break-up, the two of them can begin canoodling again immediately following.
***LADIES: This pretty much works for you all as is. If the three of you end up fighting in a lily pond - then so be it.

3. Fuck One of Your Sister’s “Old Friends”
- Have your sister (or brother) introduce you to one of their old friends who they haven’t seen in at least a decade or more. If they went to JCC summer camp as children together, this is a bonus.
- Lose your virginity to this fucking loser, thus creating a bond between the two of you for life.
- Make sure that this person does a lot of drugs. He’s a real winner if he does heroine, cocaine, crystal meth or all of the above. (I’m talking hardcore shit – not weed. Everyone smokes weed, therefore, that does not count)
- Bonus points if your new beau is also connected to another member of your family in a mysterious way. A good example of this could be: he is either a client of your father’s or your mother’s landscaper, but this isn’t a necessity.
***LADIES: Follow the above. However, I don’t think straight people actually do crystal meth. Your best bet is to find someone who does a lot of coke, or better yet, is a full on drug dealer.

4. End Up In Bed With Someone - Fall In Love
- After a long night of drinking (or blacking out from dancing too much for all my sober peeps) make sure there is a random stranger in your bed the next day then latch onto the person for dear life. Bonus points if you don’t remember this person’s name the next morning.
- Make sure this person is an absolute fucking loser. Good signs include: meaningless job, lack of friends, drinking problem, is a complete loner or all of the above.
- Make sure this person completely avoids you on certain days of the week. Example: He never wants to see you on Mondays, Thursdays or Saturdays. Sunday is a wild card day. This usually means he is in a full-blown relationship with someone else. Side note: Make sure to bother the hell out of him on the days you’re not with him.
- Finally comes the big reveal: he IS in a relationship with someone else. Make sure the other man (or woman) is overweight and undesirable in order to make you feel worse about yourself. Bonus points if he is unemployed and actually living with your new beau without your knowledge, but neither is essential.
***LADIES: This works best if you yourself have a drinking problem. If you don’t - take one up, get hammered every night following the break-up and be sure to bring it up as many times as possible so that your friends not only want to have nothing to do with your ex, but you as well.

5. Let An Old Friend Set You Up
- Let an old friend who you haven’t seen in ages set you up with an old friend they haven’t seen in ages.
- Make sure that this person has a checkered past. Good examples of this include: a drug problem, drug trafficking charges or some sort of affiliation with child pornography - i.e. something they can go to jail for.
- If he looks a little sketchy, (like someone who goes around the city stealing people’s essences in the night) this is a good sign.
- Fall in complete lust with this person. Make sure the sex you have with this person is amazing. The chance of getting an STD increases if this person has been in jail before. Getting said STD would bond you forever but is not a must.
- In order for this loser to reach his full potential, he must go to jail at the end of your encounter with him. A year plus behind bars is best to get the full effect of his douche baggery.
***LADIES: This is another one you may want to be hammered for. Added bonus for those who actually keep in touch with this loser while he is behind bars, or better yet, believe he is actually innocent. Girls can be so stupid sometimes. But then again, so are gay guys.

6. Meet on A Sex Site, Go On A Date
- While looking for sex online one night, take a potential sexual partner out on a date.
- DO NOT have sex with them.
- Continue to latch on to them by inviting them to opening nights of shows or art galleries. When they refuse to meet up with you, continue to invite them to outings in order to make you look needy, pathetic and altogether unattractive.
- Make sure this person is blasé about making plans and go out of your way for them. Bonus points is this loser has just gotten out of a relationship (extra points if their last relationship was 5 plus years and their still not over it)
- After you’ve found out their dating over nine people at the same time including yourself and check themselves into daters anonymous, continue to go out of your way for this person so that you can get your heart further trampled on.
***LADIES: I am not one hundred per cent sure that straight people have sites to go on for sex, but this also works for douche bags who are looking for sex on match.com under the guise of wanting to go out on a date (it happens more than you think, ladies). It helps if this loser is somehow involved in the law. Lawyers and police officers are the best at lying and making you believe their bullshit.

7. Break Up A Marriage
- Meet a loser who is married to a woman. This loser MUST be in the armed services and/or a therapist. The dramatics are heightened when he could potentially get fired from his job for sleeping with you.
- Wait until this loser is ready to leave his wife for you. Now, you really don’t want to date this person, because he is in fact a fucking loser, but when someone leaves his wife for you, you kind of have to just go with.
- Move in with this person after dating for only two months and completely infiltrate their lives. Become inseparable. However, not in public because people have big mouths and will blow your cover.
- Make sure that the ex-wife lingers with financial questions and problems with coming to terms that she married a homo. Bonus points if she’s pregnant when he leaves her, but again, not a must.
- Fall so madly in love so that when this fucking loser inevitably dumps your ass, you’re scarred for life and end up going to one or all of the following: AA, grief counseling or end up enlisting in the armed forces yourself.
***LADIES: Sucks to be the other woman, huh? It’s less thrilling when a man leaves his wife for another woman instead of a man so spice things up by getting pregnant in order to break up the marriage. Getting pregnant with someone’s illegitimate child bring a little something special to the table that the gays can’t.

8. Meet on Grindr
- Turn something that should have been meaningless sex into a nine-month torture chamber of love.
- If this new fucking loser you meet on Grindr is dating someone they’ve never met in person (but correspond on facebook frequently), has a sketchy ex-boyfriend who lingers in the background and is potentially dating 2-12 other people as well, latch on for dear life.
- Go out of your way as much as possible for this new douche bag as you can. Give him presents, theatre tickets, flowers and treat him like an absolute prince. If he includes his sketchy ex in on things you’ve planned for him, then bonus points for you again, my friend. Make sure this person wastes as much of your time as possible.
- The uglier he gets, the more you want him! Remember, if he gains a ton of weight or grows a horrible beard, he is a winner. Especially, if you’ve never looked better. Everyone loves a miss-match. Heavy drinkers are also a big plus!
- Play the “Sam and Diane” card. Fight, bicker, and stop speaking for months at a time, only to let him back in so he can shit all over you again.
***LADIES: I don’t think Grindr exists for the straights yet, so just go ahead and take the mulligan on this one. Instead, just have a do-over on Step 6. It’s essentially the same, but less dramatic.

There you have it kids – the secrets to my ‘success’! If you’ve followed any or all of these steps you’re in a miserable relationship with a fucking loser who will treat you like shit and without doubt shatter your heart into a million little pieces. I’m glad I could help you in finding the worse possible mate ever. Keep me posted on details of how my steps worked for you in finding a complete fucking loser.

For more information on Steps 1, 2, 4, 5 and 7 please refer to “Blackouts and Breakdowns” www.blackoutandbreakdowns.com

For more information on Step 3 (you’ll have to wait until “Eating My Feelings” comes out next year)

For more information on Step 6 please refer back to blogs from March 2010 and May 2010

For more information of Step 8 please refer back to blogs from August 2010 and earlier this month.