Ah, manhunt. How else would nearly every homosexual in the tri-state area get their rocks off? For those of you who do not know what manhunt is (i.e. straight people) it is a website designed for gay men to basically find a guy to fuck. Because apparently, Central Park, gym locker rooms and glory holes are not enough, we also need a website to find sex. I have an account, but I’m usually too big of a pussy to actually meet up with anyone out of fear of meeting a Jeffery Dahmer reincarnate. So I opt to go on “dates”. Which just means sex with dinner beforehand.
My profile is pretty basic with my tagline being “I don’t give a fuck!” because as we all know, I don’t. It tells everyone what I look like and what I am looking for which is: white guys under 40 to hang out with. Naturally, ninety per cent of the people who reach out to me are men in their 50’s who are either black, Asian, Latino or all of the above. I guess gay people can’t read. Anyway, as I fend off creepsters, I do a quick search to find hot guys who look like Abercrombie models. I usually end up settling for someone who looks like a Sears Catalog model, but a girl can dream can’t she? Last week I got a few interesting emails:
IWANNABLOWU wrote: “Hey, cool guy over 50, looking for younger to travel with. Will pay expenses.”
How flattering that someone thought I was a hooker. I truly believe that is the highest honor one can bestow upon another human being so I replied:
“Sorry buddy. Can’t travel anytime soon and in this economic climate, I don’t think you should be offering to pay for people you don’t know to go on vacation with you, but thanks.”
IWANNABLOWU responded: “That’s cool. Come over now and I will pay you to blow me.”
Inviting me on vacation made me feel like at least a high-class escort. Now I felt like a common streetwalker so I blocked him. I know writing is not as lucrative of a career as I had hoped but I am not quite ready to enter Hookerville. Yet. I got another message:
Rimfan88: “You look like you have a nice ass.”
I found this comment extremely interesting considering the only picture I have on my profile is that of my face. I responded:
“You know, rimming is a really good way to get Hepatitis.”
I didn’t hear back from Rimfan88, but shortly after I was asked to pee on someone and some black guy asked me if I wanted to take part in some sort of gang banging in Harlem. I politely declined both invitations and moved forward. Then, a 20 year old asked me if I wanted to take his virginity. I really had to think about this, but again declined the invite. Because, if he was anything like me he would need a Vicodin and some serious consoling afterwards and I still had not gone to the gym that day. Taking someone’s virginity is a very time consuming thing and not something I ever plan on doing again. Finally, I found two potentials, LatinGuy10036 and niceguyEV44. LatinGuy was obviously Latin (I know, but I am always down for a new experience and all of this manhunting was tiring and beginning to piss me off) and niceguy was apparently from Australia and a nice guy. All I needed to do now was find a Polish guy and someone from Botswana and we could have a little gay Model U.N. thing going on. I decided to meet up with the Latin (aka Mr. Sanchez – and no, I am not kidding) for dinner at guess what? A Mexican restaurant.
We chatted for a bit and Mr. Sanchez told me that he was from Venezuela. I asked him if he had just gotten here like, yesterday because I honestly could not understand what the fuck he was saying so I tried to pool my resources and speak to him in Spanish. However, the only thing I remember how to say from high-school Spanish class is “Where is the library?” and “What is your favorite food?” two questions that weren’t exactly conversation starters. Mr. Sanchez and I tried to have a conversation but it didn’t go well. Every time he said something I responded: “WHAT?” Not sexy. After dinner he said: “Something something something something pinkberry” and we got frozen yogurt. Pinkberry translates in any language – something I will forever be grateful for. He texted tonight and apparently we are going out this weekend. Nice guy, but I clearly need to brush up on my Spanish or he needs to learn more fucking English. A language barrier however, could be just what I need to actually make a relationship work.
The Australian and I are going on Wednesday for “drinks” where I am sure to blackout on Shirley Temples and get asked the inevitable question “Why are you drinking Shirley Temples, you fucking homo.” Meanwhile, when I got home tonight I got an email from someone with the screen name: “DIRTYCHERUB” whose profile pic is him in a bathtub looking sexy. I don’t know how a man over 40, possibly over 400 pounds looking like Bells palsy drop-kicked him in the face manages to look sexy, but I’ll tell you what – he does. We’re meeting next weekend for mocktails.
Until next time.
IWANNABLOWU wrote: “Hey, cool guy over 50, looking for younger to travel with. Will pay expenses.”
How flattering that someone thought I was a hooker. I truly believe that is the highest honor one can bestow upon another human being so I replied:
“Sorry buddy. Can’t travel anytime soon and in this economic climate, I don’t think you should be offering to pay for people you don’t know to go on vacation with you, but thanks.”
IWANNABLOWU responded: “That’s cool. Come over now and I will pay you to blow me.”
Inviting me on vacation made me feel like at least a high-class escort. Now I felt like a common streetwalker so I blocked him. I know writing is not as lucrative of a career as I had hoped but I am not quite ready to enter Hookerville. Yet. I got another message:
Rimfan88: “You look like you have a nice ass.”
I found this comment extremely interesting considering the only picture I have on my profile is that of my face. I responded:
“You know, rimming is a really good way to get Hepatitis.”
I didn’t hear back from Rimfan88, but shortly after I was asked to pee on someone and some black guy asked me if I wanted to take part in some sort of gang banging in Harlem. I politely declined both invitations and moved forward. Then, a 20 year old asked me if I wanted to take his virginity. I really had to think about this, but again declined the invite. Because, if he was anything like me he would need a Vicodin and some serious consoling afterwards and I still had not gone to the gym that day. Taking someone’s virginity is a very time consuming thing and not something I ever plan on doing again. Finally, I found two potentials, LatinGuy10036 and niceguyEV44. LatinGuy was obviously Latin (I know, but I am always down for a new experience and all of this manhunting was tiring and beginning to piss me off) and niceguy was apparently from Australia and a nice guy. All I needed to do now was find a Polish guy and someone from Botswana and we could have a little gay Model U.N. thing going on. I decided to meet up with the Latin (aka Mr. Sanchez – and no, I am not kidding) for dinner at guess what? A Mexican restaurant.
We chatted for a bit and Mr. Sanchez told me that he was from Venezuela. I asked him if he had just gotten here like, yesterday because I honestly could not understand what the fuck he was saying so I tried to pool my resources and speak to him in Spanish. However, the only thing I remember how to say from high-school Spanish class is “Where is the library?” and “What is your favorite food?” two questions that weren’t exactly conversation starters. Mr. Sanchez and I tried to have a conversation but it didn’t go well. Every time he said something I responded: “WHAT?” Not sexy. After dinner he said: “Something something something something pinkberry” and we got frozen yogurt. Pinkberry translates in any language – something I will forever be grateful for. He texted tonight and apparently we are going out this weekend. Nice guy, but I clearly need to brush up on my Spanish or he needs to learn more fucking English. A language barrier however, could be just what I need to actually make a relationship work.
The Australian and I are going on Wednesday for “drinks” where I am sure to blackout on Shirley Temples and get asked the inevitable question “Why are you drinking Shirley Temples, you fucking homo.” Meanwhile, when I got home tonight I got an email from someone with the screen name: “DIRTYCHERUB” whose profile pic is him in a bathtub looking sexy. I don’t know how a man over 40, possibly over 400 pounds looking like Bells palsy drop-kicked him in the face manages to look sexy, but I’ll tell you what – he does. We’re meeting next weekend for mocktails.
Until next time.
That was really funny. I actually laughed out loud, which, as I'm sure you know, is a near impossibility when reading most blog posts. Thanks, I'll be back.
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